What does a dysfunctional family look like?
I feel I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but I am unsure. If I did, does that fit the definition you are using for a family cult?
To answer the second question first. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, it fits the definition of a family cult. Unless you have healed all of the traits of dysfunctional families, your childhood trauma, and wounding, you will find you are still in a dysfunctional family unit(s)—the one you were born into and the family you have created.
You will find many definitions of dysfunctional families. A standard explanation is that a dysfunctional family is one where there is a lot of conflict, misbehavior, or abuse. In these families, relationships are usually tense. There may be a lot of yelling and screaming. Overall, if you look closely at the dynamics, there will be neglect and what many would call adverse treatment.
In the family above, the children and often one of the spouses would not feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings freely. In many cases, the only emotion one might express is anger. That will also be met with bitterness from the person(s) holding power in the family. In time, your anger will be buried. You will most likely believe you will never be worth anything, have no understanding of what it takes to thrive, and feel safe in your family or anywhere else.
You will also not trust anyone, including yourself.
In some families, the dysfunction will be calm. Consider parents who are just not present. They are constantly busy with work and activities. When they are home, they are on their phones, watching a lot of television, reading, on the computer, or doing myriad other activities, but seldom interacting with their children or spouse. In some families, the parents hardly speak to each other. Instead, they pick one or more children to be their emotional spouses. They tell the child things the child isn't mature enough to handle, and it isn't the child's to know.
Below I will share three components that lead to dysfunction:
Addictions or if you were like me, I didn't think either of my parents had an issue with alcohol, and yet, growing up, I seldom remember being in the car on the weekend when there wasn't a 6-pack of beer in the front seat. Every family event, no matter what it was for, had alcohol. Today, I see this dysfunction clearly in my family and grasp it should have been easier to spot when even children's birthday parties or other celebrations had alcohol.
Both of my parents were on many prescription medications for mental health issues. Instead of digging deep into their childhood trauma, neglect, abuse, and addictive parents, they medicated as that is what they saw in their homes. Are you surprised? That is what I also learned and did for many years until I was so sick. I was told I had months to live, and I immediately changed my life. Sadly, my son also learned to use alcohol, drugs, and prescription drugs to live his life. The dysfunction continues until you say enough and choose to live differently.
Conditioned love: In a conditioned loving family, there will be a lot of manipulation and control. Withholding affection, praise, and love put the child in a place of constantly trying to fix or please. Many families who live by conditioned love are narcissists or have narcissistic traits. My family's examples were around grades and how we performed in sporting events. We knew there would be hell to pay if we didn't meet their expectations. I learned early on in my childhood that the best way to keep them happy was to meet their expectations, and it wasn't until years later that I began to understand living like this for many years. I had no idea how to relax or be myself. I always tried to fix, please, and as the years went by, I always tried to rescue and was co-dependent in nearly every relationship I had.
Lack of Boundaries- I feel this is more common than most realize. My family had zero to just a few boundaries. Our boundaries were between my parents and did not trickle down to us children. Both of my parents were controlling and made the majority of the decisions in the family. Even when I thought I was making decisions, I wasn't. I was choosing what I knew wouldn't disrupt the status quo in the family. I was still doing this as an adult, as I didn't want to hear them get into my business. It was just easier to please them. My parent's acted like they were hearing you and your opinions, but in truthfulness, they weren't. They had already made up their minds, and in time you towed the family line or else.
An intimidating parent also lacks boundaries—the parent who discourages you from speaking up or asserting yourself. When a child stops speaking up for themselves or isn't assertive, this puts the parent back in making all the decisions and deciding your life. It doesn't end when you move out, either. The parent (s) will still expect to be involved in your decisions, may make them for you, or hold back ways they still are supporting you, which may include taking care of your kids, financial support, opinions about where you live, the car you drive, or vacations you plan to take. There is also an underlying theme of you not getting ahead of them.
Another lack of boundaries is when an older child is expected to take on the role of a parent. The oldest child, or sometimes it is the oldest male, may find themselves in this role, and it causes even greater levels of dysfunction in the family.
If any of these sounds familiar, you grew up in a dysfunctional family. Ways you may see it play out in your life are as follows:
Low self-esteem or confidence
Social anxiety
Unexplained aches and pains
Illnesses or autoimmune issues
Abandonment issues
Attention-seeking or need validation
Perfectionism
Repressed Emotions
Move from one relationship to another or stay in one no matter how unhealthy it is (relates to abandonment issues).
Dysfunctional families are generational, and each generation will become unhealthier. It isn't your fault if this is you, but it is a burden that only you can change.
I always recommend beginning with healing your core wounds. If you are not familiar with the teachings of Liana Shanti, start there. Her mother/father wound and healing from narcissism programs are the best out there, and if you stay with them and do the work will heal the dysfunction along with your childhood wounding and trauma.
Her work and this course will complement each other as family cult recovery is not a healing program. It is a program that will give you tools to survive dysfunction and different traumatic experiences you have found yourself in due to being raised in a family cult.
