Triangulation in a family cult

In a family cult, all members interact with one another based upon the rules set up by the parents or possibly the grandparents, as all behaviors are based down, generation to generation. Whenever something happens to one member of the family cult, it affects all the interactions of the rest of the family. Boundaries, or lack of them, are set in the family by these interactions.

Within the family are patterns that the parents have set. These interactions shift and change over time. Often these patterns expand, and alliances begin to build in the family. For instance, a pattern or alliance may build between the mother and the oldest child against the father. I know this is a pattern well, as my mother did this to me. You may also see an alliance in which siblings join to go against the parents. In family cults, many patterns and alliances emerge when challenges, change, and crises come along.

It is always important to remember that the family cult has one goal—preserving the family cult. To this end, the family cult will do all it can to meet and defeat any perceived threat to the family. While an unconditionally loving family is healthy and flexible to be present and meet the needs of the children growing into adulthood (think about the four main roles of parenting – nurturing, protection, empowerment, and initiation), in a family cult, change and growth can be viewed as threats. The cult will do all it can to stop any perceived threats. Often these threats are dealt with triangulation.

Triangulation means a third person, someone either within the family or someone from outside, is brought in to protect the inner workings of the family cult by putting an end to the perceived threat to the system. One of the ways triangulation works is that it occurs without direct verbal communication between the threatened members or the individual viewed as posing a threat.

An example of this is the teenage son's girlfriend mentioning that her boyfriend's mother and her friends are spreading lies about her. She knows her boyfriend had stood up to his mother and that he would continue dating his girlfriend no matter his mother's objections. The boy's mother objects to this relationship, and she calls in others to help her end the budding relationship between her son and his girlfriend. It works. Within days the teenage boy decided that "he could not have his mother and others that upset with him," and the relationship ended.

How does this happen, you might ask?

It's how the family cult works. They will do whatever they can to keep the family unit as they want it. Obviously, the teenage son's wants and needs are unimportant in his family, and he was never taught how to be empowered. He has no idea how to voice his displeasure or speak up and go against the family cult.

The young woman was "Triangulated" in this example. She was seen as a threat to the mother's power over the son. One can speculate that the mother and son had an alliance of some sort in the family cult, and the son has no understanding of how unhealthy this relationship is. As he grows older, he will most likely continue to please his mother over himself.

How many of us have been in this scenario or one similar? Are your ready to vacate the family cult?