Incest to Accountability -Part 2
Read part 1 of this series here: https://www.familycultrecovery.com/blog/my-life-and-incest.
Once you share your story with someone, as I did with @Lianashanti in 2016, do not be surprised if you're overcome with blame, shame, and guilt. For days, even months, my inner critic and my inner children were out of control. So many questions, so much beating myself up, and this insane desire to know why, I overlooked many situations, experiences, and, most importantly, what my body told me.
I had always had a strong inner critic. At times it was nonstop, telling me that I was stupid, unworthy, dumb, and a host of other phrases. Every day, I beat myself up with words, phrases, and actions I had heard from my parents, friends, teachers, and others. I also realize today I believed them.
When you have been abused physically, emotionally, and sexually as a child, your inner critic repeats what it has heard, and those stories become everyday language. It's comical looking back as almost everyone who knew my parents would tell you how amazing they were. That they were great parents? Yet, those people were not living in our home, and two, did they really know my parents? What type of parent believes secrets, lies, coercion, abuse, competition, authoritative parenting, mind-control, and manipulation are healthy for children? These were norms in our house.
After having my time being angry and beating myself up, I spent a couple of days in silence, crying. I stopped eating (a form of punishment learned from my childhood). I wrote everything from as far back as I could remember of what I had been told I did wrong by my parents, siblings, other family members, and of course, my ex. I found myself wallowing in self-pity. This wasn't healthy; thankfully, Liana quickly brought it to my attention.
It was time to take ownership, be accountable and begin the process of self-forgiveness.
Ownership was acknowledging that I had been in a relationship with my half-brother for 39 years. Owning what happened meant being open to healing what had happened, learning from the experience, and most importantly, accepting and moving forward with my life and ending the behaviors of beating myself up with blame, shame, and guilt.
Accountability included a lot of prayers, asking Jesus to give me the gift of humility to take full responsibility for my part while holding everyone else in this situation accountable for their part. I had to swallow my pride, become vulnerable, and surrender to Jesus in all ways. I reminded myself that I was blessed to have a teacher and friend like @Lianashanti, who has shown me unconditional love and challenged me to understand answering why isn't necessary, as staying in that thinking kept me stuck in shame. Liana, through her teachings, showed me the importance of telling my truth and not caring what others think or say. No one, even those involved in my life, has had the same experiences. This is my experience and one I take full accountability for.
Self-Forgiveness was tough. I never realized how often I beat myself up with layers of judgment. I was reminded early on to surrender to Jesus and his teachings, and they carried me through days of wanting to end it all. Jesus said, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). I had to look deeply at where I held judgment of others and release that before I could begin to forgive myself. I learned that I surrender to God and that Jesus does not judge me, and if they don't, why was I judging myself?
An area of self-forgiveness was understanding where I was before 2015 and now are not the same person. Before 2015, I was still in the dark that I had been abused and that incest carried on throughout my life. Seeing myself as a work in progress in healing my inner children and shadow helped me to learn self-forgiveness. Liana helped me significantly here, as I noticed that when I spoke the truth of my life, especially where I was amid my relationship story, she would remind me what was a story and where accountability was needed. Above all, I never felt judged, just accepted. Something I hadn't felt in my life before. This began my understanding of how to forgive. With the forgiveness of everyone in my life story and myself, I have healed more layers of my soul and accepted what has happened. All of this has brought me to love myself unconditionally.
Today, I am at peace with my life and excited. When you are healing and accountable, life is joyful, with no struggles if you surrender.
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