Coercive Control begins in our families.

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation, or other abuse used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. It is the umbrella holding all the words we use to describe toxic relationships. It encompasses all types of abuse, domestic violence, and neglect. It is an ongoing epidemic in our world that is sadly overlooked. Still, it is time to speak up, as the damage being done affects everyone.

As a child growing up, most of us think our home is normal. That what happens in our home happens in other homes. What happens to us must be okay. We are told and believe our parents and other caregivers love us. 

More often than anyone likes to think about children living in homes with corrective controllers hear, see, and feel abuse daily. I can tell you I had no idea about the layers of abuse ongoing in my home. Some of it should have been obvious to other adults, but the coercive control was ignored or overlooked. The spankings, belts, throwing things, and intimidating and threatening comments were all accepted as normal in my home.

Why isn't this seen as harmful? Sadly it's because it happens more often than discussed? Spanking and hitting children are considered acceptable forms of discipline? Yet, it's abuse. If I hit another adult, it's assault, but it's okay to hit a child? This is an agenda society has accepted. Be honest. Once your hit, you lose trust. For a child, losing trust is one of the worst traumas. Whether that trust is lost from being hit, yelled at, sexual abuse, or neglect, trust is ending.

Consider how confusing this is. Children are dependent on caregivers. They need their caregivers for housing, food, clothing, and everything needed to survive. Yet, they're being harmed by their caregivers. Trauma at its worst.

Abuse will continue, and it may not be noticeable. How many of these have you experienced:

Fear of sharing what you did because you knew they would begin yelling, ranting, raving, hitting, or you receive the silent treatment.

You've learned not to give an opinion, have a disagreement, or speak up on specific subjects. If you realize this scares you- you may be in danger.

When voices are raised, parents or others argue, you become unsettled and search for a way out. Know this is a sign of coercive/control/domestic violence. You feel unsafe.

All of these led me, at times to think I was crazy. I WAS CONFUSED when I heard my parents say I love you, but then experienced a beating or destruction of property. If I questioned them, I was always wrong. Today I see manipulation, control, gaslighting, and other coercive control methods. What the outside world saw vs. what we experienced were not the same.

We lived with two coercive controllers. We lived in domestic violence.

Yet, pleasing them is what we tried to do. It never worked. We were all traumatized, never rescued, and lived with PTSD.

I finally walked away. I've healed the trauma. I've forgiven, grieved, and surrendered. Each is an important step in finding out who you are. I chose to end the coercive control and the connection to family toxicity.

Sometimes the greatest gift is surrender and leaving our birth families behind.